29 May 2024

Writer’s Note: This piece was initially written in 2021.  With the recent loss of Grayson Murray to suicide and Lexi Thompson’s emotional retirement announcement related to mental well-being, I feel it’s important now more than ever to be vulnerable and share what I have been to afraid to finish & share for the past few years.  If it speaks to you, share with someone you care about.  

We’ve all felt it, the crisp impact of a thoroughly well-struck golf shot.  We’ve all heard the crack, snap, and whir of a perfectly-sequenced golf swing.  We’ve all felt the achievement & instant gratification of sinking a clutch putt.  If we hadn’t, we wouldn’t yearn for it all so much.  Once you experience the exhilarating transfer of energy that is the golf swing,  it feels like the whole world melts away and nothing else will ever matter.   How and why is golf a powerful tool for mental health and can it really be used as a substitute for therapy and to heal from trauma?  Does golf have its limits with how much it can help? These are questions I have been exploring over the past 5 years, since I began my journey playing golf to heal from PTSD.  

At first glance, golf does not seem like it is open to helping anyone; it is unforgiving, unfair, portrayed as an exclusionary, “men’s only” past-time.  However, beneath this gilded facade of ostentation lies something with much more substance.  Golf is really, at its core, a magical, powerful tool that has the potential to hone focus on the present moment and all of its wonders, i.e. nature, time with loved ones, and time away from work and responsibilities.  The requisite of hyperfocus in golf provides a respite from persistent, intrusive thoughts, which can be extremely helpful for folks like myself with anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and other mental health disorders that exacerbate overthinking and self-blame/doubt.  The physical release of whacking a ball can provide an outlet for aggression and anger issues.  The satisfaction of accomplishing goals and succeeding on a hole/during a round is extremely rewarding.  When you are striking the ball well and playing well, it’s so much easier to notice and enjoy the moment and be grateful.  However, be weary not to rely on golf too much, as golf will indeed let you down.  

Relying on golf as your only mental health tool is dangerous because you feel so good when everything is going your way and you are striking & putting the ball the way you intend, but what about when you don’t?  What about when you can’t achieve that same satisfaction and release? Can golf provide you the same relief consistently and reliably? How will you react when it inevitably disappoints you? Clearly if top professionals who play golf 24/7, 365 still struggle with mental health concerns, golf is not the cure-all we’d like to believe it is.  

I have been using golf as an escape from intrusive thoughts and traumatic memories, as well as an outlet for anger and anxiety.  I cling to golf so tightly and rely on it so much for mental well-being.  When you are happy, the golf course is there, when you are sad, the golf course is there.  However, it is not a true escape; golf will make you confront the very same problems you are running away from and avoiding dealing with in life.  For me that is poor emotional regulation, impatience, low self-esteem, negative self talk, not forgiving myself & berating myself for mistakes incessantly, & not asking for help nor accepting/trusting help. Working through all of this is difficult, yet cathartic.  It’s actually the most difficult challenge I have ever confronted.  I have had meltdown after meltdown and been on the verge of giving up so many times.  

I was a very different golfer 3 years ago when I first started challenging myself by entering individual gross stroke play tournaments.  I learned some very hard and harsh lessons during my first two tournaments.  I had meltdowns, hit myself with clubs, and otherwise threatened self-harm.  There have been competitors who comforted me in a time of need and I will always remember their kindness. My most recent tournament in October 2023 was a world of difference.  Not only has my attitude significantly improved, I started only walking during rounds about 2 years ago and it has increased the healing power of golf tenfold.   I was the only one in the entire tournament who walked.  I feel so powerful releasing energy and anxiety while walking.  If I hit a bad shot, I forget it moments later as soon as I start walking to the next shot and easily refocus my attention and intention.  I highly recommend walking if you struggle with any anxiety issues and are able.  

 I have also met so many wonderful golf friends from around the world online, and many of them have been an integral support system, checking in or offering a much-needed laugh when I am struggling.   I would personally like to thank Steve Pope from First Responder Golf Foundation. Steve is an amazing human and firefighter who created an organization to share the healing power of golf with fellow first responders and veterans. The next time you haven’t heard from someone in a while or are debating whether or not to check-in, take my advice and send the message.  You never know when your message will arrive at a time when someone struggling needs it most.  Thank you eternally to all of the people who have helped me on my journey thus far.  

What attracted me to golf and inspired me to apply it as a tool to heal mental health concerns?  One of my best friends, let’s call him J, is a lifelong golfer who lives with bipolar disorder.  He struggles in life, but when I played golf with him and saw him interact in the golf world, I saw how much he excelled and how much it made him a better person.  He is one of the people I care most about on this earth and someone who has talked me off a ledge many times.  Before I took up golf, I was turning to some extremely negative and dangerous coping mechanisms.  I put myself in danger and never found the relief I was looking for.  J was working at a golf course at the time and when I said I wanted to try to learn golf, he gave me two men’s lefty irons from the lost and found.  I had those loose irons rolling around  in my backseat for a while before I bought my own used Nike slingshot set on eBay.  I chose ranges I knew would be desolate until I built up my confidence and taught myself how to swing a golf club.  (If you are turned off by golf due to the cost, just know that it is always free to chip and putt, just bring your own balls and putter/wedges.  If more people knew that maybe it would help reduce some of the barriers.)  Then COVID hit and a lot of the courses were closed.  I would go practice at a closed course by my house and sometimes walk a few holes. This is how I taught myself golf on a budget and with mental health in mind. 

 The process and discipline of learning golf provides a healthy distraction to the negative thoughts.  Working on swing mechanics is satisfying to me. Learning a new skill that hones mental & physical acuity is such a  positive activity you can do for yourself.  Plus the progress in golf is palpable, visceral, measurable; it’s easy to see how far you’ve come & be proud/grateful. With golf, I am finding that the mental work required to derail doubt & frustration on the course is also helping to reconnect neural pathways, which is in turn helping to rewire my entire nervous system.  Golf has helped me to learn and understand that I am in control of everything, every thought, every movement at all times, we all are. Golf has taught me personal autonomy (that I have the keys to my own power & always have), how to celebrate strength, actualize concrete goals, and how to be confident in my abilities & decisions.  Golf is continually teaching me how to accept interacting with people I do not necessarily want to interact with/do not particularly like interacting with.  This social resilience is whetted through playing rounds and league and tournaments with strangers.  Additionally, golf promotes mindfulness; it’s the only sport that compels humans to silence without distractions in admiration of an ethereal landscape. 

 A PTSD grounding strategy when experiencing a trigger is to name 1 thing you can see, 1 thing you can hear, 1 thing you can smell, 1 thing you can taste, and 1 thing you can touch. It is an exercise in sensory awareness, are you in the present moment or did you fall into a trap door of a trauma flashback? I dare anyone to play a round of golf and ignore the wildlife and scenery that surrounds you, it’s impossible. There is a wonderful children’s book called, Golf Through the Eyes of a Child, by Dominique DeSerres, which promotes mindfulness and appreciation of nature & the present moment through golf. I imagine a world where one day, golf is more accessible and is promoted in schools, jails, and medical facilities, in the same manner as yoga is, for mindfulness, meditation, and physical activity.

 Golf is not a foolproof cure-all.  Golf is not a substitute for therapy; it is only as effective as the work you are doing off the course, much like yoga (continue your practice off the mat).  Your progress in golf can be  derailed at any moment for any number of reasons and I have learned that it is unwise to rely too heavily solely on golf as a crutch, otherwise you risk it becoming no more than a bandaid.  Golf is an emotional roller coaster; the happiness from golf is fleeting, lasting only until I satiate the craving for my next fix.  When I am not playing well, it feels like the end of the world.  The first setback and hiccup I experienced as a golfer was after a long winter hiatus prompted not only by the weather, but also pelvic & sciatic pain.  I came back to the course to discover I had completely forgotten how to swing a golf club & lost my swing entirely.  It felt like I had forgotten how to ride a bicycle.  I felt frustrated with myself and my body for not being as effective as it once was.  A wave of shame and consternation washed over me as my first round back was rife with shanks, hooks, tops, chunks, and whiffs. I was back to the beginning, kind of like in the movie LABYRINTH (1986), where Sarah (Jennifer Connelly) gets sent back to the beginning of the maze.  “It’s not fair!”, she whines, just as I did on the course.

Much akin to the PTSD healing process, the journey of learning and mastering golf is not linear whatsoever; you will take 1 step forward and 5 steps back.  And unfortunately for myself (and Sarah in the movie), I had to learn that yes, golf and life are indeed unfair, but it is how you cope with this adversity that will determine your relative success or failure.  A motto I like to use is, “Bad shot, not a bad round. Bad round, not a bad day.  Bad day, not a bad life.”  Never let the struggles of today affect your desire to persevere tomorrow.  Don’t let a bad shot ruin your round, and concurrently, don’t let a bad round ruin your day, and ultimately, don’t let a bad day ruin your life.  It is much easier said than done.  As someone who has survived an attempt at taking my own life in 2016 and still struggling daily with thoughts of self-harm, I know as well as anyone feeling better is not as easy as saying a cute phrase.  Gratitude in the present moment is powerful, but it is possible to struggle so much you are unable to be grateful.   In golf and in life there will be moments that question if we truly have the strength to persist.  All it takes is one good shot to inspire hope for the future of your game; all it takes is one good thought or feeling or experience to inspire hope for the future of your life.  

Working through all of this is difficult, yet cathartic. My outlook on & general perspective of life has undergone a paradigm shift through learning golf. It’s easy to focus only on the negative or automatically expect bad things to happen, especially if you have experienced trauma. Golf has helped me to change my perspective; now when I look out onto a hole, I try to think about where I want the ball to go instead of hyper fixating on the hazards & where I don’t want it to go. This in turn has helped me pause to redirect my negative thinking off the course.  I am grateful for the people and places who offered a beacon of hope in a dark time.  I try to be that for other people and animals as much as I can.  I am grateful for what the game of golf has taught me about myself.  I try to help other people discover what I have learned so they can benefit from it, too.  Each tee time is motivation to keep going another day.  Each lesson you learn about yourself and challenge you overcome in golf is inspiration to pursue these same goals off the course.  While golf may not be the end-all, be-all answer to all of your problems, it certainly does help, so I will enjoy the walk while I still can.